The Family History
07 August 2004 // 8:34 p.m.I've often been prone to strange "phases" in my life. I don't really know what to call them. They are times when it's an effort to drag myself out of bed in the morning. If I do, I don't always dress or wash, and I generally spend my time listening to old CDs in my room. I can't talk to anyone, because the minute I do, I react by either being waspish and irritable, or I am hurt by everything they say.
It's not exactly depression, but it seems related to that. I go through weeks at a time feeling completely unmotivated, unloved, and generally as though I shouldn't be in this world at all.
My parents often seem to resent these times, and seem to regard me as though I'm being a quarrelsome kid. It's almost like I'm having some kind of temper tantrum and lock myself in my room. No matter how many times I've tried to tell them that I can't help it, that it's just they way I feel, they never believe me.
I think it's that they believe that I have everything, that I've always been well-provided for, and therefore shouldn't have anything to be unhappy about.
Which is why I felt vaguely affronted when I was talking to my relatives today. It turns out that my family have a history of depression. My late grandmother suffered, my dad suffered, and my cousins have too.
But why didn't they understand when I felt that way?
